Smiles a Mile High (Part One)

Why do I love to fly? I can trace it all back to one single element. It’s not the speed of getting to Point B or the awe and wonder of looking down on the clouds from 30,000 feet. Nope. I am highly entertained by the complimentary copy of the Sky Mall catalog. On our recent trip to and from New Jersey I spent some quality time with this wonderful publication finding it wildly entertaining as always. I decided I would attempt to replicate some of the thoughts that went through my mind as I went page by page amusing myself with some fantastic products.

In its Summer 2009 edition, Sky Mall wastes no time reaching out to its core market…the Level Five redneck who buys all his pickup truck “upgrades” from an in-flight catalog. Nothing says classy like a pair of Truck Antlers and nothing turns your heavy duty man chariot into the Cadillac of man cabs like an Animated Hitch Critter. I imagine Earl running his hands slowly through his flowing mullet dropping quotes directly from the catalog pitch. “Naw Frank, I got it to protect my ball hitch from corrosion. Besides, you can plug it into the third brake light for added traffic safety.” Really? I might be a bit distracted by the animated deer flailing its limbs while the red target on its chest glows in the night.

Not everything in the Sky Mall catalog is wonderfully absurd. There are some really practical items in those 148 pages of wonder. There are even some items I’d be interested in testing. Will that pump-action Marshmallow Shooter really launch a puffed mallow over 30 feet? That LED sight that projects a beam of red light has to help you hit your target. Need more range? How about a remote controlled water cannon that shoots a perfect stream of water 100 feet? Sounds like a wet wake up call for my neighbor when he comes out to his front step to grab the newspaper.

Want to terrorize the heavy sleeper in your home? The Sonic Boom Alarm Clock is a must have. Not only does it feature a “shattering” 113 decibel alarm, it powerfully shakes the bed. I had a “neighbor” in college that would annoyingly sleep through his alarm for hours but I don’t think shocking him from sleep with a wailing siren that would simultaneously have me crapping my pants would be all that desirable.

Maybe your troubles are not oversleeping but the inability to sleep comfortably. You’ve seen that Dateline special one too many times and you’re freaking out at the thought of what deadly bacterial strands are crawling through your hotel bed sheets. Time to purchase the lightsaber-esque Nano Wand! Something tells me if you’re terrorized at the thought of these ills that await you in a semi-public bed a pricey travel wand that folds neatly into your pocket or purse is not going to bring the peace of mind you seek. Better rest on the plane instead with the “miraculous” Sky Rest. Personally I think the miracles would be lasting five minutes in slumber before the tray table disengages or inflating it without attracting the attention of the entire cabin while feeling like a complete boob.

Of course should your tray table collapse and you subsequently wrench your neck and back you’d better have the Neck Pro Traction Device on hand. This dandy (and now fully adjustable) contraption is supposedly in wide use by physical therapists, chiropractors and orthopedists but you’d better hope no one walks in the door and sees your chin strapped in that dangling athletic supporter.