Smiles a Mile High (Part Three)

I do think purchasing the “Keep Your Distance” Bug Vacuum might allow me to avoid rescuing my wife from those life threatening insect invasions. I’m just not sure a 22,400 rpm motor sucking a bug toward instantaneous death on the electric grid isn’t overkill. Good thing that shut off mechanism is there to save those “curious fingers”!

If you haven’t lost a finger (or your whole hand) to the bug vacuum why not get a fancy watch? How about one with a mini camcorder so you don’t miss any suddenly special moments? I’ve seen a lot of people’s home movies and if you think the cinematography makes you nauseous try watching Uncle Roy’s wrist cam! Everyone’s capturing the picturesque view and Roy’s waving his arm like a buffoon. At least he’s not nerdy enough to buy the Exclusive Square Root Watch. Yep, all the numbers require translation of square roots into the appropriate digits. How in the name of Patek Philippe will I ever decipher the time? Was the “3” on the right or the left? It’s 9:144? I’m late for dinner! Or am I early?

There is one seemingly permanent item that I always like to study. I dream of owning the six-foot suit of medieval armor and think it would look stunning in my foyer (pronounced “foy-yeah” snootily and slightly Frenchy). I’m not so cultured to think I could pull off the same with the replica of King Tut’s sarcophagus. And why do they mention it measures taller than most men? Are we planning to shove some unsuspecting visitor in there? Perhaps someone may rush to its safety fearing the Garden Yeti in your backyard. Will it really have guests “doing a double take” at its “startling realism”? To my knowledge the real thing is slightly taller than the two-foot statue that’s hiding among my tulips. In fact the yeti might be scared of my two-part garden meerkat. Why have just the adorable head poking out of your garden herbs when you can purchase the backside and have his furry behind taunting your Garden Yeti? I’m not sure if a meerkat sighting on my property would be more or less likely than a Sasquatch.

And finally there is one new edition to the Sky Mall catalog that I feel we must have. Rachel thinks she might be able to swing a General Mills discount and I think she could write it off as a business expense (she does work with Yoplait in her department). I NEED an INFLATABLE, SEVEN AND A HALF FOOT TALL YOGURT costume! If money was no issue I’d be wearing it right now!